New series: Astarotte's Toy (Episodes 1 & 2)

I was almost expecting no one would sub this due to its disturbing premise. But, someone did sub it, and so I will make good on my promise and suffer through every episode. I will also make good on my promise to review any horrible shows I watch.

The story begins with a young girl (Above), named Astarotte (also called Lotte) enjoying a cup of tea by a giant christmas tree. Well, the tree is gold, and the leafs are clovers, but that is not important. A woman named Judit (Pronounced YOU-dit) riding a dragon swoops down and says that "Princess Astarotte must continue her training." Lotte runs away, insisting that she hates men. This prompts the opening song, which is just kind of generic.

The opening theme ends and we get to have some questions about the series answered in, where else, a public bath house. Because if you are going to have exposition in your cartoon, there had better be naked ladies. It is the only way to get through to kids these days. Judit awkwardly works in some exposition to inform the audience that Lotte is the princess of Ygvarland, a country in the realm of creatures. She also lets us know that the giant tree is the World tree, that used to connect their world to the human world before it was damaged.

It seems a little weird  that this girl would refuse training because she hates men. What kind of training is it? Nothing sinister, I should hope. Well, if my hopes were cattle I would be eating steak. Astarotte has just turned ten, and as a succubus- ... I do not like where this is going. Ten-year-old succubus is just not a good idea for a plot. Well, maybe it's fine. They might run on romantic feelings or something, right? Right? Judit explains that once she reaches maturity, Lotte will have to feed on a male's "Life-Seed". That can't be what it sounds like, right? I mean, how do they get Life-Seed?

(Note the bananas. Classy.)

Astarotte, understandably, is hesitant. So, she thinks up a clever scheme: Since the human world is closed off, she'll just request a human male to be the first in her harem. Her plan fails, however, as Judit heads off to the world tree. Lotte, along with her bodyguard Zelda, ride on the back of a dragon to stop Judit. They crash into the world tree, and when Lotte's heart-shaped tail touches the tree the gateway opens, transporting Judit to a park in the human world.

In the human world, Judit begins her search for a human. She literally crashes into the perfect candidate when a young girl named Asuha jump-kicks her in the face. Her brother, a blue-haired, girl-voiced, polite young man named Naoya helps her up and apologizes for his sister. He explains that he is on his way to a job interview, at which point Judit offers him a job that will pay 500,000 a month. As we all know, when a smooth talking, pointy-eared librarian offers you vast riches, you cancel your other job interview.

(Do you want to see something strange and mystical?)

Back in Ygvarland, Lotte and her entire posse are trying to get the world tree to open up again, ready to mount a full scale assault on the human world to save Judit. As they are about to give up, Lotte's tail brushes against the tree, causing Naoya and Judit to fall out. Overjoyed, Lotte jumps into the air to hug Judit, but instead embraces Naoya. She promptly passes out from embarrassment.

Later, Lotte agrees to meet with Naoya formally. Knowing that Judit would not allow her to turn him down outright, she comes up with a plan. As soon as she sees him, she "requests his presence in the bedroom tonight," then walks away.

 

(The typical face for choosing your nightly consort is usually less hostile.)

That is Lotte's bodyguard Zelda in the background, who is astonishingly hard to get a decent picture of. And, as if it was not clear that this is a show for pedos, we briefly flash to Naoya's kid sister splashing around at the beach. It serves no purpose, and just makes it more awkward to watch this. 

Judit explains the details of Naoya's new job with a level of glee you only have when you tell someone that you will pay them to preform acts that make god cry. Naoya confirms that Lotte does not need his lifeseed yet, and so he does not actually have to do anything immoral. He seems as uncomfortable hearing about this as I am watching this show, but just like me watching this show, he reluctantly agrees to see how things go.

The only other man in the castle, an old butler named Olav explains why Astarotte hates men. When she was younger, around four maybe, her mother agreed to sleep with her. On her way to her mother's room that night, she ran into a man who was part of her mother's harem. She followed him into her mother's room and hid. She watched as her mother and this man got down. Lotte became distant, and moved to a castle on the outskirts of her kingdom.

(Olav: "And that, Lotte, is the sound of your innocence vanishing. Your innocence vanishing deep inside you mother. Over and over. All night long.")

Naoya is escorted to Lotte's room by Judit and some black elf who I'm not sure has a name yet. Keepin' it classy. As they enter, Lotte walks in front of the door so that they hit her, spilling her glass of milk. She throws a tantrum, claiming that the night is ruined because she cannot sleep without warm milk. Naoya, feeling sorry for Lotte's messed up childhood and wanting to show that he is not a bad person, goes to town to buy more milk. He is accompanied by Effie (the cow girl in the third picture). He tries every brand of milk he can find, looking for the kind they had at the castle.

 

Effie asks him why he is going through all the trouble to make Lotte happy if he does not want her to suck out his lifeseed. Naoya explains that the milky tea he had at the castle was rich, and warmed his heart. He thinks that Lotte needs someone in her life like that, who can warm her heart. Or maybe they need to cool her hellish heart with a fresh island song! Either way, Effie is satisfied with his answer and takes him back to the castle. She asks him if she can have a minute alone to get the milk. Naoya's sister, Asuha, sends him a picture on his cellphone, because you can get cell reception across dimensions, I guess.

(Sometimes subtly is not even worth it.)

Naoya notices the old pictures of Lotte on the wall and comments about how she looks just like his sister did at that age. Drawing comparisons between your kid sister and someone you are going to be payed to have sex with is probably something you should not do out loud. He then notices the totally awesome stuffed toy she had in all the pictures. Effies tells him it was Lotte's favorite, but she lost it, and was quite upset.

(Not pictured: Appropriate pajama's for ten-year-olds.)

That night, Naoya comes into Lotte's room. He gives her the milk, and says he has a gift for her; Don't worry, it's not in his pants. He shows her a stuffed animal he made that looks nearly identical to the one she had before. Lotte tells him it is dumb, and that she does not need it. Which is true, she has about as many stuffed animals as you can fit into a bedroom. But that clever Naoya thought up a plan, and he thought it up quick.

Lotte says she would obviously rather sleep with the reindeer. He pretends to be disappointed, sets the stuffed toy on her bed, and walks out. Damn, if this guy was a pedophile, he'd be an excellent pedophile. He dresses nice, talks softly, offers children hand made stuffed animals, and is quick to come up with plans. He would be like the James Bond of child molesters.

The next morning, Judit informs Naoya that Astarotte wants him as a candidate for her harem. He will be payed 600,000 units of human currency, and be provided with his own room and new clothes, on the condition that his official title in the castle is "Toy". Now this is a less racist, more creepy, anime version of The Toy. Because that is what we really needed. Sleep well, folks.