Coming off of Hiatus!

I just could not finish watching Astarotte's Toy. The show was disgusting, but worse than that, it was boring. I have, of course, suffered through worse, but it was not engaging enough to make me want to write about.

 (After an eternity away from you all, Jack of Blades is back!)

I have been needing an outlet for all of the rage that builds up in my hatred glands when I watch television, so I thought it was a good time to reopen this blog. The winter anime season has already started, so I will have some catching up to do. That never stopped me from ranting before, and it sure won't stop me this time! But all you non-existent follows of my blog may be asking yourself, "What show will he pick apart next?" Well, I'm feeling lazy, and a picture is worth one-thousand words. Or, in this case, three words and a little star.

New series: Astarotte's Toy (Episodes 1 & 2)

I was almost expecting no one would sub this due to its disturbing premise. But, someone did sub it, and so I will make good on my promise and suffer through every episode. I will also make good on my promise to review any horrible shows I watch.

The story begins with a young girl (Above), named Astarotte (also called Lotte) enjoying a cup of tea by a giant christmas tree. Well, the tree is gold, and the leafs are clovers, but that is not important. A woman named Judit (Pronounced YOU-dit) riding a dragon swoops down and says that "Princess Astarotte must continue her training." Lotte runs away, insisting that she hates men. This prompts the opening song, which is just kind of generic.

The opening theme ends and we get to have some questions about the series answered in, where else, a public bath house. Because if you are going to have exposition in your cartoon, there had better be naked ladies. It is the only way to get through to kids these days. Judit awkwardly works in some exposition to inform the audience that Lotte is the princess of Ygvarland, a country in the realm of creatures. She also lets us know that the giant tree is the World tree, that used to connect their world to the human world before it was damaged.

It seems a little weird  that this girl would refuse training because she hates men. What kind of training is it? Nothing sinister, I should hope. Well, if my hopes were cattle I would be eating steak. Astarotte has just turned ten, and as a succubus- ... I do not like where this is going. Ten-year-old succubus is just not a good idea for a plot. Well, maybe it's fine. They might run on romantic feelings or something, right? Right? Judit explains that once she reaches maturity, Lotte will have to feed on a male's "Life-Seed". That can't be what it sounds like, right? I mean, how do they get Life-Seed?

(Note the bananas. Classy.)

Astarotte, understandably, is hesitant. So, she thinks up a clever scheme: Since the human world is closed off, she'll just request a human male to be the first in her harem. Her plan fails, however, as Judit heads off to the world tree. Lotte, along with her bodyguard Zelda, ride on the back of a dragon to stop Judit. They crash into the world tree, and when Lotte's heart-shaped tail touches the tree the gateway opens, transporting Judit to a park in the human world.

In the human world, Judit begins her search for a human. She literally crashes into the perfect candidate when a young girl named Asuha jump-kicks her in the face. Her brother, a blue-haired, girl-voiced, polite young man named Naoya helps her up and apologizes for his sister. He explains that he is on his way to a job interview, at which point Judit offers him a job that will pay 500,000 a month. As we all know, when a smooth talking, pointy-eared librarian offers you vast riches, you cancel your other job interview.

(Do you want to see something strange and mystical?)

Back in Ygvarland, Lotte and her entire posse are trying to get the world tree to open up again, ready to mount a full scale assault on the human world to save Judit. As they are about to give up, Lotte's tail brushes against the tree, causing Naoya and Judit to fall out. Overjoyed, Lotte jumps into the air to hug Judit, but instead embraces Naoya. She promptly passes out from embarrassment.

Later, Lotte agrees to meet with Naoya formally. Knowing that Judit would not allow her to turn him down outright, she comes up with a plan. As soon as she sees him, she "requests his presence in the bedroom tonight," then walks away.

 

(The typical face for choosing your nightly consort is usually less hostile.)

That is Lotte's bodyguard Zelda in the background, who is astonishingly hard to get a decent picture of. And, as if it was not clear that this is a show for pedos, we briefly flash to Naoya's kid sister splashing around at the beach. It serves no purpose, and just makes it more awkward to watch this. 

Judit explains the details of Naoya's new job with a level of glee you only have when you tell someone that you will pay them to preform acts that make god cry. Naoya confirms that Lotte does not need his lifeseed yet, and so he does not actually have to do anything immoral. He seems as uncomfortable hearing about this as I am watching this show, but just like me watching this show, he reluctantly agrees to see how things go.

The only other man in the castle, an old butler named Olav explains why Astarotte hates men. When she was younger, around four maybe, her mother agreed to sleep with her. On her way to her mother's room that night, she ran into a man who was part of her mother's harem. She followed him into her mother's room and hid. She watched as her mother and this man got down. Lotte became distant, and moved to a castle on the outskirts of her kingdom.

(Olav: "And that, Lotte, is the sound of your innocence vanishing. Your innocence vanishing deep inside you mother. Over and over. All night long.")

Naoya is escorted to Lotte's room by Judit and some black elf who I'm not sure has a name yet. Keepin' it classy. As they enter, Lotte walks in front of the door so that they hit her, spilling her glass of milk. She throws a tantrum, claiming that the night is ruined because she cannot sleep without warm milk. Naoya, feeling sorry for Lotte's messed up childhood and wanting to show that he is not a bad person, goes to town to buy more milk. He is accompanied by Effie (the cow girl in the third picture). He tries every brand of milk he can find, looking for the kind they had at the castle.

 

Effie asks him why he is going through all the trouble to make Lotte happy if he does not want her to suck out his lifeseed. Naoya explains that the milky tea he had at the castle was rich, and warmed his heart. He thinks that Lotte needs someone in her life like that, who can warm her heart. Or maybe they need to cool her hellish heart with a fresh island song! Either way, Effie is satisfied with his answer and takes him back to the castle. She asks him if she can have a minute alone to get the milk. Naoya's sister, Asuha, sends him a picture on his cellphone, because you can get cell reception across dimensions, I guess.

(Sometimes subtly is not even worth it.)

Naoya notices the old pictures of Lotte on the wall and comments about how she looks just like his sister did at that age. Drawing comparisons between your kid sister and someone you are going to be payed to have sex with is probably something you should not do out loud. He then notices the totally awesome stuffed toy she had in all the pictures. Effies tells him it was Lotte's favorite, but she lost it, and was quite upset.

(Not pictured: Appropriate pajama's for ten-year-olds.)

That night, Naoya comes into Lotte's room. He gives her the milk, and says he has a gift for her; Don't worry, it's not in his pants. He shows her a stuffed animal he made that looks nearly identical to the one she had before. Lotte tells him it is dumb, and that she does not need it. Which is true, she has about as many stuffed animals as you can fit into a bedroom. But that clever Naoya thought up a plan, and he thought it up quick.

Lotte says she would obviously rather sleep with the reindeer. He pretends to be disappointed, sets the stuffed toy on her bed, and walks out. Damn, if this guy was a pedophile, he'd be an excellent pedophile. He dresses nice, talks softly, offers children hand made stuffed animals, and is quick to come up with plans. He would be like the James Bond of child molesters.

The next morning, Judit informs Naoya that Astarotte wants him as a candidate for her harem. He will be payed 600,000 units of human currency, and be provided with his own room and new clothes, on the condition that his official title in the castle is "Toy". Now this is a less racist, more creepy, anime version of The Toy. Because that is what we really needed. Sleep well, folks.

Infinite Stratos 12: Finale (Finally)

Alright, I've been procrastinating long enough on this post. The short story is that the finale for Infinite Stratos was bad. It was anticlimactic, and worse, it was an episode of Infinite Stratos.

We ended last episode with Ichika being comatose from trying to block bullets with his face. The girls decide to band together, steal their own IS, and engage Gospel against orders from their teachers.

As we all know, being in a coma in an anime is like sitting around in a picturesque lake where you have time to think about all your friends. For contrast with American comas, watch Monkeybone (I do not condone or recommend watching Monkeybone.)

After wasting a good chunk of their final episode doing nothing, a strange lady, who looks like the White Knight IS that saved Japan years ago, shows up in Ichika's coma and asks if he desires power.

 

("If this lesson is about laying off the insanity-peppers, I'm way ahead of you")

Ichika says he wants power, and she asks him what for. He tells her he wants power to protect anyone who needs to be protected. Then the scene cuts back to the girls fighting Gospel. Of course, since we all know that the top IS pilots in the world are useless without Ichika around (Perhaps distracted by female trouble?) they get their asses thoroughly kicked. To solidify their failure, Gospel goes... Berserker? More berserk than before?

It grows wings made of light, and the ability to only be seen in silhouette or shaky-camera, like Bigfoot. As the team sits back and watches in despair, preparing for the end, Ichika returns! And his IS got better, or something. Somehow being in a coma unlocked its hidden potential, and made it look cooler. Well, I assume it looks cooler. The production value on this episode is so cheap that the only shot we get of his new and improved IS is this:

Mecha series make most of their money on selling merchandise of their mechs. But, this is a harem show first, so they're probably planning on going the Neon Genesis Evangelion path and just making figurines of their female characters in progressively more humiliating or revealing clothing each year.

Empowered by Ichika's show of Balls (Figuratively) and Competence (Comparatively), Houki's IS also unlocked a hidden power. She can now recharge the shields of friendly IS. How the hell does that work? There is only so much power in a machine! You can't just hold hands and magically create power to give to another airplane, or submarine. Did her IS suddenly develop a nuclear reactor or something? Augh. The point is that now Houki has a role befitting a female cast member in anime: the healer. 

With their new found strength, they repeat the fight footage that they showed us in the beginning of episode one that they had used to lure us into this show. Then it's over. Gospel is destroyed.

("Well, that was anti-climactic.")

They all fly back to the building they were vacationing at for a well deserved rest. Chifuyu is supposed to yell at them for stealing military property to preform an unauthorized seek and destroy mission, but instead gives them the Japanese language equivalent of  "That'll do, pig," and dismisses them.

("Having to look at my assistant's horrifically misshapen boob is punishment enough")

We then cut to the harbinger of darkness overlooking the world and plotting her evil once more. Or humming cheerfully. Chifuyu confronts her and poses a hypothetical way that explains why Ichika can pilot an IS. Tabane says that, despite her genius, even she does not understand it. Chifuyu then asks another hypothetical question along the lines of "What if some genius inventor made an amazing new machine, and wanted to show it to the world, so she hacked into the military computers to make a crisis to make a stage to unveil it." Tabane laughs and says "That would take a genius, indeed." They share a moment that seems to confirm it. Now, that hypothetical fits both this Gospel incident, and the missile attack from before. I'm just saying, man, she is probably Satan. And, I totally called that she was behind it in my previous review! Score!

All this wraps up, and Ichika is sitting on the beach, feeling great about himself. Houki comes up from behind, wearing the worlds tiniest swimsuit. They share some feelings about hope, the future, and love. It's boring. But at least by the end of it they both get what they have wanted since episode one: Ichika's hand on Houki's boob.

Fin

IN CONCLUSION!

  

This was not a very good show. It was not the worst show I've sat through, not by a long shot. But it is bad, even by harem standards. I just sat here wondering "Why am I not watching Ranma½?" Sometime, I should make a long post on how, scientifically, Ranma½ was the best anime harem series to this day. It will be great. I will line up two or three other harem series to compare to it, analyzing their similar characters and relationships. I'll have charts and everything.

Well, it was fun doing this blog. Hopefully I'll find another terrible show this season to rant about.

Infinite Stratos: Episode 11

I really thought this series was going to be a full twenty-four episodes. However, after some wiki digging I found out that next episode is the finale. Which is frankly disappointing. In the beginning of the first episode, before the opening credits roll, we see a full minute and a half of the fight with Gospel. We did not know that at the time, of course. It was one of those "Here is what you have to look forward to if our show ever gets good" clips. Having that be from the final showdown just feels really anticlimactic. I mean, Ichika's full stereotype harem was not even completed until episode nine.

Let's get on with the review. I have wasted enough time. So, we left off last episode with an unmanned IS built by the USA and Israel called Gospel going berserk and flying to bomb Japan. Houki got her god-mode IS, which should be able to replace everyone on the team, but since she is not the main character, Ichika has to deliver the fatal blow to Gospel. Oh, sure, you can claim that it's because Ichika's weapon is stronger because he can overcharge it, but we all know it's because he has a penis. Speaking of overcompensating with your sword, and all such innuendos, Ichika's IS is slower than Houki's, so he gets on her back and "rides her" to battle.

And that is why you will never marry

Check out the way her IS lifts and separates her breasts. You know, to make her more aerodynamic, or whatever. That seems extremely uncomfortable when maneuvering at high speeds. That is why sports bras are designed to form a compact uni-boob. Centrifugal force is not kind to extremities. Go stand up and spin around with your arms spread out for a while. See how long it takes for your fingers to hurt. Now do that at one thousand feet per second, half a mile in the air. Go on, I'll wait.

While you were busy spinning, Houki and Ichika caught up to and engaged Gospel. Although, like most military operations conducted by inexperienced high school students, it did not go as planned. Some fighting was involved, the sneak attack failed, pretty much what you would expect. Then Ichika intercepts Gospels attacks to protect an illegal fishing boat. Houki starts chewing him out for protecting people who deserve to die.

Then this happens. I have no idea why. Honestly, what the hell is going on here? Why are they naked in a room full of sparkles talking out their emotional baggage? Ichika talks about how she has changed since she got her own personal IS. You know, an hour ago. It is clear she is an entirely different person because she has power now, and not just stressed out because the Terminator is trying to kill them. 

 ("Non-patriotic emotions detected! EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" -Gospel... If it was a Dalek.)

Gospel had shown great patience and respect while waiting for them to finish up their touching moment, which is something it must get from its Israeli side. But the moment passed and it launched a barrage of laser fire at Houki.

Ichika must play a druid in World of Warcraft, because he tanks with his face!

So, Ichika winds up falling into the ocean, Houki saves him and they retreat. Ichika is hospitalized. Houki blames herself, and sits by his unconscious body, crying for so long I thought she was going to reenact that hospital scene from End of Evangelion.

 

 (No, not this one. The one where Shinji is sad. Jesus.)

Anyway, Houki takes a run on the beach, crying as the sun sets. It all very dramatic and sad. No wait, contrived and boring. I felt it needed something. There was no music, it was just her running, panting and being sad. I could tell I was supposed to feel some kind of emotion, but it was just awkward to watch. Like the volleyball scene in Top Gun.

This all prompts a flashback to Houki and Ichika as little kids at the Shinonono family dojo. In a touching display of friendship, little Ichika beat up a fat kid for calling Houki a tomboy. He then told her that she looks good with a ribbon in her hair, and should wear it more often. She replies by saying she will not follow orders and wear something just because someone told her to. You know, like that kendo uniform she is wearing. So that is why she wears that ribbon in her hair all the time. It just goes to show you, a woman will never make an effort to improve her image unless a man told her to.

Flashback is over and she tells everyone that she will never pilot an IS again. And if her sister Tabane was here, I would actually feel bad for her. I mean, she is a terrible character, but she had just built her a multimillion dollar war machine, and the most advanced weapon on the world. Rin shows up and slaps her and tells her that she is being stupid. Houki, having not considered that, agrees to pilot her IS again. This all took about forty seconds. The writers did not built the dramatic tension well.

(The iGauntlet, new from Apple)

The rest of Ichika's harem show up and decide to make their own battle plan without consulting the teachers. Laura comes up with the genius plan of charging Gospel with all of their IS at once. You know, Blitzkrieg. Real original plan. I am sure it took many years of German special forces training to come up with such a precise plan as "Let's jump him!" And if that doesn't work, lets just use the biggest gun we have!

("Mein Gott! Vat vould Sigmund Freud have to say about zis?")

Infinite Stratos: Episode 10

I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that this episode has a lot of Ichika's sister, Chifuyu, in it. But even that cannot make up for Houki's sister, Tabane Shinonono. Nothing could make up for Tabane Shinonono. But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

The episode is a continuation of the beach episode, so you know we are off to a bad start. For some reason, this beach vacation ends the night with the entire school having a traditional Japanese dinner, wearing traditional Japanese robes, and sitting on the floor like filthy barbarians! Actually, this whole thing confused me. I don't remember anything in the previous episodes saying they would be spending the day in a Japanese castle style hotel-thingy. I'm not actually sure where they are. I checked the last episode to make sure, but its never mentioned that this place is odd in any way. Maybe I do not know my beach vacations very well.

A pointless, yet key event happens here. Ichika has to feed Cecilia, because despite living in Japan for over a year, she cannot use chopsticks. He had to do the same thing for Charles a few episodes back, and it was just as boring then. I am not sure why this is something that is so over played in romance/harem series. Is it just every Japanese person's fetish to feed a foreigner? Someone has got to get the memo out to those guys that pretty much everyone in the world knows how to use chopsticks nowadays. But since stick-feeding seems to be a romantic exchange in the Far East, every girl in the room starts yelling about how jealous they are of Cecilia. To stop this crap, Chifuyu enters the room tells everyone to shut the hell up and eat. Ichika says it will make a scene if they try that again, so he promises to make it up to Cecilia later, in his room. Bow chica wow-wow~

Predictably, Cecilia takes this as a come on and dresses in her sexy underwear. Thankfully, someone decided they cannot show fifteen-year-old girls in thongs on TV. However, Cecilia's roommates hear of this and decide:

I disagree, as there are very few occasions that call for stripping your roommate. And "so we can see your sexy underwear," is not high school shenanigans, but sexual assault. This whole school would be getting a visit from Sexual Harassment Panda if it were up to me. It is not.

After being stripped off screen, Cecilia heads to Ichika's room for a sexy encounter. When she arrives, she finds Houki, Rin, Laura, and Charlotte pressed up against Ichika's door, listening to something. Cecilia joins them and hears Ichika and Chifuyu's voices coming from inside. "It's been a while," "I'll be gentle," "Mm, no, not there!" "Here?" "Oh, yes, there," ect. And then the sexy horn music starts up. Full blown sexy-time music starts up as the audience is meant to assume some "private family matters" are being taken care of. Or, "Matters of family privates"! Alright, belabored joke is reaching its climax *Ba dum chss*. Sorry. The combined shock, intrigue, and disgust cause the four of them to accidentally knock down the flimsy sliding doors to find...!

This is not as hot a party as anticipated.

This too is a way overplayed trope in anime. So much so that if people are hiding outside a room, I already know someone inside is getting a massage, and how the next two minutes of the show are going to go. I have to forcefully stop myself from skipping ahead.

Chifuyu invites the girls in so she can yell at them for spying on her. While Ichika is out getting her more beer, because drinking while you are supposed to be supervising children is one of the least irresponsible things the staff does, she decides to question the girls about why they like Ichika, anyway. She lists his positive traits of being good at massages, chores, and cooking. So, he is the ideal Japanese wife?

Later, Ichika is giving Cecilia a massage, and Chifuyu watches over them like a hawk, saying "Don't expect any obscene acts in front of your teacher," thoroughly killing the mood. At least someone is discouraging this crap. Though, not very well.

 

Ichika wakes up the next mourning to find Houki starring at this. He asks her about it, and she becomes annoyed, walking away. Now, this is a school where forced stripping and attempted murder are fairly commonplace. I can't imagine what their practical jokes are like. I would not pull that. But I am not Ichika. After he pulls the mysterious mechanical flaps, a giant carrot-shaped missile plunged toward him. The steaming metal harbinger opens and unleashes an unspeakable evil on this series.

("The most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!" - Tim, the enchanter) 

 Tabane Shinonono. The inventor of the most powerful weapon ever created. She dresses like a fetish waitress and has mechanical rabbit ears that can track down her sister. Her voice will cause your ears to bleed as she pops into scenes at random, trying to be cute by proclaiming herself as the most genius person ever. And she is! Able to reprogram anything, to do anything, slapping any semblance of reasonable science in the face. It is as if the creator targeted me, and decided to just piss me off.

Chifuyu is the only character who seems more annoyed than amazed by Tabane's antics. It is hinted at that they have known each other for a long time, but is not mentioned specifically just how long. Anyway, Tabane interrupts this unscheduled training session (for important characters only), to give Houki her very own personal machine. 

Akatsubaki, the first fourth-generation IS. I'm not sure how exactly how they calculate the IS generations, since it's mentioned that most countries are still prototyping their third generation IS models. Are there still only 467 cores? If the core is the same, than what makes one machine better than the next so drastically that they are different generations? What does the core even do? And why can no one else make them?

Basically, Akatsubaki is somehow even more overpowered than the third generation machines. It is faster, has better acceleration, more fire-power. By more fire-power, I mean it has glowing pink katanas that shoot auto-targeted, rapid fire lasers. Did you hear that? It was the sound of every Japanese person jizzing in perfect harmony.

Chifuyu's assistant breaks up this arms show with devastating news. The important characters (Minus Tabane) are called away to a makeshift war room in the hotel. Or maybe it is not a hotel. The point is, the important characters are being sent on an important military operation. What a second! I thought this was a school! You're actually sending these kids into active combat? Can you imagine the parental permission slip for something like that? 

The mission: To destroy a berserk, unmanned IS named "The Gospel", a joint project between the US and Israel, on its way to Japan. There is nothing about that sentence I did not like! Tabane sneaks in through one of the roof panels, ceiling-cat style, and mentions that this reminds her of the White Knight indecent.

Shoehorned exposition time! Ten years ago, one month after Tabane announced the IS, every missile defense system in the world went Skynet and decided to take out Japan.

("You know what? Screw Japan. Just, screw them." -Everyone)

This would have destroyed Japan, except an unknown woman piloting the first IS destroyed every single missile. Now, those are coming from all around the world, and are set to land at different locations. If they were all launched at the same time, there is no way she could have destroyed them all. The travel time is impossible! I know this is a harem/mecha anime, but you just cannot do that. That is stupid even by Gurren Lagann standards, but they admit to breaking reality in the show! Augh! Maaaath!

Admittedly, White Knight is pretty sweet looking. Not sweet looking enough to make up for the impossible physics it had to manage, though. Tabane hints that it was Chifuyu piloting it, by making a reference to Chifuyu's bust size... Is now a good time to mention that Tabane is a bad character? Anyway. I have to wonder about all this. Chifuyu and Tabane have been friends a long time, and seem to be about the same age. That means Tabane had to have invented IS when she was fourteen. She also is the only character who knows anything about technology, and has been shown being able to hack anything, remotely, in about thirty seconds, like she is from the cast of CSI. I just think the timing is too convenient. My theory is that Tabane hacked those computers herself to create a reason to use the IS. 

Closing thoughts: This episode was pretty decent, but I really wish that Tabane was not a horrible, horrible character. She makes me hate anime as a whole. 

This episode did have a lot of Chifuyu showing off her very fashionable track suit. I cannot help feel that like she should be reminding me of someone. She has that fancy track suit she wears everywhere. She is the best teacher, who has won multiple sporting medals. She has a vaguely retarded assistant. Her nemesis is an irresponsible douche who should not be allowed around children, but no one else tries to stop them...

Infinite Stratos! The story so far, Part 2 (Episodes 5-9)

Alright! Home stretch for the recap. I just have a few more characters and plots to introduce.

Episode four left off with Ichika and Rin having killed some kind of cyborg monstrosity that was wrecking up the school. We then see Instructor Chifuyu in a lab researching the half-destroyed machine. Apparently she is the only person in the world who cares about the safety of children, since everyone else seems to immediately forget about the terrorist attack they all just survived in favor of fighting over who gets to nurse Ichika back to health. Yet he is still unable to deduce that any of the girls might be romantically interested in him. He is truly a magnificent self-cock-blocker.

I neglected to mention last time that Ichika and Houki, his childhood friend, have to share a room at the school. Gasp! A boy and girl sharing a room? What kind of irresponsible boarding school are these people running? Pitting them against each other in high-speed, aerial gunfights was one thing, but sharing a room with the other sex? Now they've gone too far! Luckily, to save the school from lawsuit, and the audience from annoying, obligatory "Oh god, don't look, I'm naked! Oh, you looked, now I have to beat you with a katana, like a sane and rational person, instead of just changing clothes in the bathroom from now on!" moments, we have a new student!

Introducing Mr. France, Charles "There Is Nothing Gay About This" Dunois!

 (Not pictured: Something gay)

Charles is the only other man who can pilot an IS, and Ichika's new roommate. Charles is the Representative Candidate from France, and the only son of the CEO of Dunois Industries, France's largest IS manufacturers.

Wait a minute! How can there be entire assembly lines for producing IS if there are only 478 cores? That's like if there were only 7,000 barrels of oil in the world, and you manufactured cars! The corporate structure of this universe makes no sense. But I guess in a world of irresponsible idiots, any business plan works.

Now, I knew there was something wrong with Charles since his first appearance in episode five. And it's not because I'm a psychic, or anything supernatural. It was my keen, superhuman powers of 

observation and deductive reasoning.

(Pictured: Deductive reasoning)

• Charles is not the main character.
• Charles is a man in a harem series.
• Charles is better looking than Ichika.
• Charles is soft spoken, and beautiful. (Gorgeous hair pulled into a ponytail, big friendly eyes not befitting a male character, perfectly manicured and pointed nails.)
• Charles refuses to undress with Ichika.
• Charles blushes and becomes nervous when Ichika gets close.
• Despite being Ichika's superior in every way, he does not treat Ichika like crap.
• Charles is not the antagonist who steals Ichika's dream girl.

All of these statements cannot be true! However, I could not deduce the masterfully disguised truth until the next episode, when Ichika walks into the bathroom to discover that Charles is actually... A woman! Yes, Charles is actually Charlotte Dunois. Being the bastard child of Mr. Dunois' mistress, she was hidden from the world to protect the good name of Dunois Industries.

Two problems with that. I don't think that people care how many bastard children industrialists have, outside Japan. If Alan Roger Mulally (CEO of Ford) had a few unwed mothers in his portfolio, I don't think anyone would even notice. The second is, as is revealed in this towel-clad confession, Dunois Industries is already failing. Charlotte was ordered by her father to enroll at the academy as a boy so she would become Ichika's roommate. This would allow her to steal the research data from Ichika's third generation IS, Byakushiki, giving them an edge in developing new IS designs.

After this teary confession, Ichika forgives Charlotte, tells her that is not the way parents should act, and promises to protect her secret. For you see, if the French government learned that Charlotte was in fact a girl, they would recall her and imprison her for fraud. Man, high school sure is complicated there. But luckily Ichika discovers a school rule stating that all students are considered citizens of the school, or some such, and therefore cannot be arrested by foreign governments while enrolled. Wow, way to give children with weapons diplomatic immunity, guys. Despite this reassuring news of "You won't be tried for this for three more years. And then you can be tried as an adult!" Charlotte decides to dress in drag for a few more episodes. Besides, more important things than corporate sabotage and enrollment fraud are going on! What about the inter-class tournament? And who is that mysterious new transfer student?

Ms. (Nazi?) Germany, Laura Bodewig!

Laura goosesteps straight into our heart with her first action on screen. After a brief self introduction to the class, she steps forward and backhands Ichika, with "I will never forgive you for being Ms. Orimura's brother," as her only explanation.

Story time! It turns out that as a kid Ichika was kidnapped during the final round of the international IS tournament. His sister, Chifuyu, was set to win her second gold metal in ass-kicking when she got the news. She forfeited the match in order to bring some mecha-justice to his kidnappers. Of course, she was only able to learn of Ichika’s location through the German government's spy network. In return, Chifuyu promised to teach young German girls how to be as awesome as she was. "Ah!" you say, "But IS academy is in Japan!" Well, you are right! It seems she taught young girls who were drafted into the German military. This is where Laura comes in.

Laura was a child soldier that the German military was experimenting on in order to make the perfect killer. Her aim was bad, so they injected nanobots into her eye. It didn't work, so they shrugged, gave her an eye patch, and continued the training. While in the worst (or should I say Wurst!) summer camp since Camp Krusty, she developed a total lesbian crush on Ichika's sister. Actually, it might just be lesbian admiration. Either way, it compelled her to slap Ichika for being such a lame brother.

 (Above: German engineering. Representing Deutschland.)

Her personal IS is Schwarzer Regen, or "Black Rain". This is a third generation IS, like Ichika's, and seems to be even more overpowered. It is equipped with several rifles, a back mounted railgun, a laser whip (because all German girls need whips in anime), and wrist mounted laser knives. In three episodes she gets into a fight with everyone in Ichika's harem, beating them effortlessly; beating them... to death! Or, that was her plan. After kicking the asses of Rin and Cecilla in a two on one fight, Ichika sets up his own diplomatic meeting between the nations of His-Ass and Her-Foot. So, after a full day of racism and delinquency, Laura adds attempted homicide to her list by charging at an unshielded Ichika with her intimidating pink sword. And she would have straight up murdered him if Chifuyu didn't step in.

And what is the repercussion for attempted murder at this school? Nothing! Chifuyu tells them they "are not allowed to have mock battles until the inter-class tournament."

You guys remember that story a few months back about some high school football player who raped a girl, but since the school wanted a good football team, they didn't punish him in any way? It's like that, I guess. Because reporting a felony would reflect badly on the school. Not that they actually give an explanation in the show, God no, that would take thinking! And this author is very taxed thinking of ways to have awkward sexual tension in his series.

 (That'll do, frog. That'll do.)

Now that we got that out of the way, it's time to choose partners for the inter-class tournament! Ichika and Charles are a team, of course, since they're the only two men *nudge nudge*. To save on animation, the first round is against none other than series antagonist, Laura! But, isn't this a team battle? Since Laura is a homicidal bitch, she has no friends; since Laura has no friends, her partner was chosen for her. Houki is chosen to be her partner. This is exciting, because Houki is said to be an excellent fighter from her years of kendo, yet we never get to see her fight on screen until now. It was rather disappointing, then, that Houki does not have a personal IS, despite being the beloved sister of its inventor. Houki is easily dispatched within the first 30 seconds of the episode, making a two-on-one of Charles and Ichika against Laura. But through teamwork, they defeat her and win the match. However, Laura does not take being defeated by a Frenchman and a loser easily. She thinks she hears her machine talking to her as she flashes back to her years as a child soldier. The machine asks if she wants to be stronger, and of course she does. But, as any Volkswagen owner would tell you, when a German machine offers you immense power, it comes at a terrible price. Schwarzer Regen eats her and transforms into a giant black lady.

Turns out, to avoid looking weak, the German government installed Laura's IS with something called the Valkyrie Trace System. Germans, always with the Valkyries! Basically it makes her machine turn into a semi-liquid kill bot a la Terminator 2. Then Ichika gets all annoyed because a kill bot is using some sword techniques that his sister uses, blah blah, something Japanese about the weight of carrying a sword... Long story short, Ichika cuts the machine in two and saves Laura. The fight was in episode 8, and actually pretty decent to watch if you like mecha fights.

Before the episode ends, Charles comes clean to his class, letting everyone know he is actually Charlotte. "So, Ichika was sharing a room with a girl this whole time? How scandalous~" the mob of girls say. This news is taken particularly hard by Rin. Rin decides that this kind of affront to her sex life cannot go unpunished. She breaks through the wall of Ichika's class, in full IS, and charges her laser to fire on an unarmed, unshielded Ichika. Laura then breaks through the other wall in her IS, which I guess did not melt and get cut in half, and blocks the laser with her face (shield) to protect Ichika. In this moment of confusion Laura grabs Ichika by his neck, lifts him up and gives him the first on screen make out session in front of the whole class. After panning around the room for reaction shots of shocked horror, she announces to him:

 Again, destroying school property and attempted homicide is not punished with so much as detention. Seeing as how this school for proving which nation has the upper hand in the arms race might be dangerous, the tournament is called off, promising instead to give everyone next week off to go to the beach. I cringe when I hear "the beach" in anime now. It's just an excuse for poorly drawn fan service of minors and lazy writing. Honestly, I could probably do an entire documentary about why I hate "the beach", but to save everyone, I'll just boil down this episode into its two best scenes.

Laura needs a new swimsuit to impress her "wife" Ichika, so she calls her home base. The entire "Black Rabbit Squad" is composed of eye-patch wearing women. Who designed this task force, me? 

 (Is this an army of one, or is there room for one more? *wink*)

Also, this scene with Rin viciously applying tanning lotion to Cecilia. I could explain the events that lead up to it, but, why bother?

And that concludes our recap of Infinite Stratos! Next episode will introduce Houki's sister, inventor of IS, and Houki will get her own personal machine! Will she become a useful character, or remain forever anonymous in the flock of tsunderes following Ichika?